Moving to Florida? HA!!
Thinking about relocating to Florida (specifically South Florida- Dade County, Miami, Broward County, Fort Lauderdale)? Looking for work in Florida or Florida jobs? Thinking about going to school in Florida? GOOD LUCK!
Even though recent stats are showing a trend of people LEAVING Florida after getting evicted, laid off, or dealing with home foreclosure, there are still people who decide to move to Florida. My wife recently met a few of them recently at a job interview.
My wife found a job opportunity on EmployFlorida.com for “customer service and mortgage loan officer- no experience necessary”. We knew it was a scam, but she went for it anyway because that is how bad the recession is down here. They told her that she would be taking a quick 3-minute test, as well.
I drove her to the interview (most middle class Florida families have 2-3 cars, and when you add the monthly car payments, insurance, and break downs it totals around-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!)- whoops sorry, I lost myself. Okay, so short interview turned out to be 3 hours. I figured maybe they hired her and began training- Tashman Technologies style.
Nope.
Turns out a dozen people responded to that job ad, and the place interviewed each one separately after giving them the test. My wife was last, so current workers and prospective workers talked to her. It truly was a great snapshot of lost people in South Florida; everyone had a sob story. From a death in the family, to high medical bills, to being new to this country, to a suicidal brother, to running out of unemployment benefits even with the extension, to having a roommate or business partner backstab you, to being pregnant without a husband to support the kid, all of these people were brought together.
One guy said that he was the original author of Twilight but THEY stole his idea.
My wife also saw the scantily-clad Venezuelan girls that worked there give the black women who were interviewing for the job DIRTY LOOKS. I have yet to meet a South Floridian Venezuelan who does not have…interesting racial stereotypes. Prove me wrong, folks.
Anyway, after three hours of listening to everyone’s life story, my wife had her interview. It turns out she passed the test with flying colors- actually scored the highest even though English is her second language. So she inquired about the customer service job, and the person was like…”Oh..uhm…yeah, I know it says that on the Internet, but we don’t have that available”.
Ready for what they had available?
Putting loan flyers on people’s doors- two days a week for two hours part time- four people per car.
Yup. Not even worth the gas or trying to explain that to the unemployment office.
Pass.
Here are some bullet points to explain all of this in case you still have ideas about striking it rich in South Florida or enjoying the Florida weather:
- The official Florida unemployment rate is 10.9%. The real numbers rival Detroit because so many people are “off the books”- homeless, street vendors, people who do not qualify for unemployment benefits (they are HARD to get), and much more.
- The new small business model is being a VERY small business. As in not having any permanent employees. Small businesses just aren’t stable enough.
- Scams. Everyone is running some kind of scam or another. You go in for an IT job or programming job in Florida and it turns out to be a porn webhosting company. You go in for a modeling agency gig and the next thing you know you are making foot fetish videos for 60-year old obese white men.
- The cost of living is like New York but the salaries are like Cuba. Back in New York, you can afford a Yankees season ticket package if you are a construction worker, sanitation worker, plumber, or hospital aide. Here in Florida, you’d be lucky to be making $10 an hour with no medical insurance. Pension? What’s that?
- The real estate market crashed. Most of the people working in that industry were scammers. So now they had to move on to other industries. Some moved on to house auctions, where they sell you foreclosed homes for for $1000. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
- More and more women and MEN are realizing that one industry still has customers. Florida craigslist and South Florida Backpage still have a bunch of escort ads and erotic massage parlor ads. The prices dropped (as low as $60 instead of the normal full service $200 escorts) but I’m sure they still make money due to the volume.
- If you live an apartment and pay the rent every month, you can still be evicted if your faceless landlord hasn’t paid the mortgage. You will be physically removed from the apartment and put on the Soylent Green conveyor belt.
- Obama ain’t gonna help you. Did you hear me? Obama ain’t gonna help you. Just like Bush didn’t didn’t help you.
- Relationships- good luck finding a mentally healthy person down here in sunny Florida. Rule #1- perform a sexual offender search before dating anyone down here.
- Schools are scams- yes folks, even state universities just want you to get university loans from them with high interest rates. Schools are a business and they don’t help you find jobs.
- Cable TV is a virtually monopoly- and you will have the highest possible cable bills if you don’t switch to satellite or just forget all about it and stick to the internet.
- The public transportation system sucks.
- Florida summers are overrated- it rains every day like a HURRICANE. And then it hits 100 degrees with humidity like an Amazon jungle.
- There is no culture in Florida. People are divided up by socioeconomic status, race, country, and religion. Everyone wants to be left alone and go on Facebook instead of speaking to neighbors.
- Food stamps, unemployment benefits, and disability payments SUCK in Florida. You are on your own.
- This one is for older Star Trek fans out there. South Florida needs a warning beacon like Talos IV- Starfleet General Order 7: any contact with South Florida is expressly forbidden and punishment by death.
- DO NOT MOVE TO SOUTH FLORIDA
Okay, okay so where am I going with all of this?
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