How to file for Unemployment
HOW TO FILE FOR FLORIDA UNEMPLOYMENT
STEP 0: GO TO WWW.GOOGLE.COM AND TYPE “FLORIDA UNEMPLOYMENT” BUT DO NOT GO THERE YET, FIRST READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS
STEP 1: GET HELP FROM THE LIBRARIAN
STEP 2: DON’T WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT EXACT DATES AND STUFF
STEP 3: MAKE SURE YOU CLICK “NO” OR “YES” FOR MOST OF THE ANSWERS
STEP 4: YOU MUST FILE EVERY TWO WEEKS OR ELSE YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS
SPECIAL UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS TIP: YOU DON’T HAVE TO PRINT OUT YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT CONFIRMATION NUMBER- YOU CAN WRITE IT DOWN WITH A PEN OR PENCIL ON A PIECE OF PAPER
HOW LONG DOES FLORIDA UNEMPLOYMENT LAST?
Around 3 months, and then you need to move back in with your parents. IF YOU HAVE NO PARENTS, you can become homeless but the shelters are filled, so you can technically go to jail for vagrancy or loitering. You can also go back to your country. If you do not have a country to go back to, you could go to WWW.GOOGLE.COM and type in “craigslist” and find work there.
HOW TO FILE AN UNEMPLOYMENT EXTENSION
STEP 1: Go to WWW.GOOGLE.COM and type in “E-mail President Obama”
STEP 2: Wait 24 hours.
STEP 3: Repeat STEP 1.
STEP 4: Repeat STEP 2.
The Unemployment Song
by Agrimorfee
[To the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel]
Burger flipper, ditch digger, bus driver, nit picker
Place kicker, stamp licker, chauffeur for the Pope
Rug cleaner, plate spinner, window washer, switch hitter
Bubble blower, babysitter, milker of a goat
Car attendant, professor, Santa Claus, assessor
Bed warmer, horn blower, tinker, tailor, soldier, spy
Stock boy, bell ringer, lounge singer�kitschy!
Piano tuner, buzzard shooter, Hollywood’s newest star
(Chorus) I just wanna get hired
I got a yearnin’ to get some earnin’
I just wanna get hired
Here’s an application for your consideration
Tune-up man for your car, or the tender of the bar
Oyster shucker, chicken plucker, darner of a sock
Answer phone on your own, vendor of a sno-cone
Taxi driver, pearl diver, loader on the dock
Mortician, beautician, an electrician, trade bargainer for Japan
Corn husker, fireman, butcher, baker, candlestick maker
Auctioneer, musketeer, just get me a good career! (Chorus)
Timekeeper, hygienist, beekeeper, a typist
Jeweler, brick layer, any kind of manager
Movie usher, editor, garbage man, creditor
Shipping clerk, soda jerk, boyoboy, I gotta work!
High priest, neurologist, astronaut, psychologist
Guru, medico, emcee on a game show
Engineer, ringmaster, ballerina, sand blaster
Player of the bongos, that’s the way this song goes! (Chorus)
Senator, Congressman, riveter, ice-cream man
Tapper, flapper, topographic mapper
Ruler of Albania (or maybe Transylvania)
Chorister, bandleader, brewer of a good beer
Collect income tax, advise on how to have good sex
Taster of Beaujolais, I just got to get some pay! (Chorus)
Tennis player, ghost buster, deer slayer, claims adjuster
Lobbyist, podiatrist, big man at the chopping block
Preacher, entrepreneur, bleacher, or French masseur
Urologist, proctor, monologist, actor
Pillow stuffer, maintenance, vinyl buffer, manifest
Street cleaner, lion tamer, bird feeder, Hall-of-Famer
Lifeguard on the shore, waxer of the kitchen floor
Do not begin to be a whore, that’s one thing I must implore!
I just wanna get hired
I got a yearnin’ to get some earnin’
We just wanna get hired
But the unemployment line just goes on and on…
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Thank you for the important public service announcement.
Unemployment has to be one of the biggest centers of LaMEness in the universe, on all fronts.
The State of Florida's website and automated phone attempts to be user-friendly, while scaring laid off employees with messages of prosecution and fines if anything is wrong on the unemployment request. THEEEENNNN they cut off your unemployment for no apparent reason — no warning, no "Your benefits will expire in a month," no guidance on how to figure that out for yourself. I think there's an explanation somewhere in the paystubs or statements they send on how much unemployment you have left, but good luck getting the average person to find that … after all, we have learned through the DailySkew that PEOPLE DON'T READ. And then I listen to those audio clips of Senator Conyers admitting he doesn't read the legislation he passes … more PROOF!
And then, for the unemployed worker … seriously, is anyone tracking how many jobs they applied for on a spreadsheet? If the government ever decided to audit an unemployed worker on their job search, would ANYONE have proof they've been looking for a job?
And, like you said, what happens when the unemployment runs out in 3 months? Most people can't survive on the measly amount the government pays anyway — what actuary came up with $255 a week, anyway? I'll tell you, a cheap actuary. An actuary who puts special interest spending ahead of the needs of the common man. When you look to the government for help, you get thrown a few pennies and are told, "The clock is ticking. These pennies won't be flowing forever. Can't you tell how much these pennies are costing us to give you? Go find a job!"
God forbid you find a job that pays less than your previous employment, and you try to collect the difference from the Government. Good luck jumping through those hoops. I'm sure State of Florida and other states save tons of pennies every year simply by making the system so complicated that people give up.
I remember when I got laid off back in '01, prior to the super LaME (Lazy Man's Ethics) system the State of Florida installed online, actually writing down the jobs I applied for, following the rules by the letter … man, no way the common man is doing that now … and there's no way State of Florida has anyone to go out there and enforce those rules.
So LaME.
DailySkew, thanks for the addition of my parody to your blog…with much karma to you for adding proper credit and the link to the Amiright page. Although I wrote the song while I was still in high school, it has become an all too real subject of my life now, along with more than 10% of the rest of the country as of this post. Tony is not too far off in his descriptions of the problems in the previous comment.
Good luck to all…and if anyone wants to have a custom made song parody written, give me a buzz at agrimorfee@hotmail.com!
Thanks for the kind words!