Enneagram Replies, Issue 1/2 — Memo
From 06/21/06:
Recently, a fictitious emailer asked us:
“If Tashman were ever to have bad news, could you write a Memo announcing the bad news to the employees from CEO? Better yet, make one up for each of the dead Founders, too, just to hear how they would state it. I think that would be cool.”
– Jake
Well, Jake, here’s our attempt at announcing bad news from each Founder’s (dead or alive) perspective, with personality types in parenthesis:
To: All Tashman Employees
From: CEO (Type 
Subject: Teleporter Lost
We had some bad news Friday night. A teleporter station was lost during a solar flare.
This, along with the housing bubble bursting and other bad economic news, means there will be no bonus this quarter. Those funds will be put towards building a new station around Venus, as well as training new Tashman employees to work there.
The good news is that everything’s looking good for the next quarter. All the projections are on track, so bonuses should be back in three months.
Back to work, everyone.
***
To: Character Assassin (Type 7)
From: Arse (Type 5)
Subject: Teleporter up in flames!
Did you hear about what happened Friday night? One of our teleporter stations went up in flames! I actually heard the screams over my intercom!
To: Arse
From: Character Assassin
Re: Teleporter up in flames!
you are so insensitive. its not nice to talk about the dead like that. they were loyal employees who gave their lives during a freak accident. we need to contact the families.
To: Character Assassin
From: Arse
Re: Re: Teleporter up in flames!
Hey, C.A. I got video. You can see the workers imploding! Heheheheh!
To: Arse
From: Character Assassin
Re: Re: Re:
oh my god. i’ll be down after the meeting.
***
To: Tashman salaried and hourly employees
From: Capt. Fasc. (Type 3)
Subject: Quarterly Bonuses
This is to announce that expectations were not met in the previous three months. Therefore, bonuses will not be distributed.
All employees must strive to be more productive. We did not achieve Sigma Six standards during this quarter. All employees are expected to do their part to lower the error rate to zero.
There will be a team meeting with Character Assassin Thursday to discuss what is expected from you, and how to improve on this quarter’s poor performance.
Have a nice day.
***
To: Tashman Teleporters
From: Ramalani (Type 1)
Subject: Terrilbe Accident
On Friday, there was terrilbe accident at Tashman Station Gamma. Three employee were kill when a solar flare broke through the shielding, causing a teleporter to explode during a teleport sequence.
I want to take this time remind all employee how important it is to monitor the shielding when entering and leaving the space staton. It takes two second to look at the outer hull while landing or taking off, and those two second can save lives.
I expect all Tashman Teleporter employee to be cognizant of the shielding, even when floating outside on smoke break, or when going out to lunch break. This would help us a great deal.
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